Sunday, November 15, 2009

Breathing from the belly

We breathe in...and and out. Repeat. Until you don't. Close your eyes. Make it go away. Listen to the voices telling you its OK. True friends will won't tell you its all OK. They will be honest and only tell you that you are strong. Not to fight with yourself anymore, give in, let go. Just fucking let go. Shake it off, take a dive off the deep end into an ocean of forgiveness and truth. Let the water calm you and surround you with no fear. Fear is your friend. It keeps you safe until you feel safe on your own...does that make sense? Your biggest fear is the unknown. What will happen next, what is right for me, for him, for us. What is our next step. He offers no advice...he is 8. He looks at me with scared mysterious eyes. He wants comfort and security. Tight arms wrapped around his little heart. I am scared. What if, what if his biggest fears come true. His heart is so troubled with fear. So strong but weak within himself. As his hands are shaking he can say to me it not right, not good enough. His words are true, he knows, knows all is not OK. Honesty overcomes him and he melts into my arms. I want to be his best friend, his mother and protector. The one he runs to for all his thoughts, all his worries and pains. Lay it on me, I will be the one. The only one you can believe in everyday. Every waking moment of my life I will breathe into you Son. Which is his fear, when I am gone. His thoughts terrify me. With our careless future so unknown who knows us. Who is strong enough for us. Two hearts so big, so full of so much to give, but yet so much tucked away.

I lay down, I concentrate on breathing. Learning how to again everyday. Things that were taken from me have returned. I'm writing everyday, I'm smiling more then I ever have in my life. Music has found my soul again and it overcomes me. I only wish you had the feeling I do. How it feels to have a melody bring you to tears, to your knees. To listen to every word and close your eyes as the next chord pierces your ears. So beautiful is the instrument. The player, the hands on the strings. I can feel, and move with it. Tears, and its OK. I can say that, I need it. It is OK, it feels great when I'm gone. When I'm gone, gone, gone. I want to feel full, overflowing with words I cant keep up. Where is it coming from? Clenched sometimes I want to scream them out. Like a freedom from my body I want to let it all out. Is it just for me...true question. Do I keep this for me, for him...for the world..who is this for....I should sleep. Fall into my dreams.Straight into my pillow of thoughts..were I see thoughts of life, future and glorious comfort.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

And then....

Its hidden. In every corner..of my mind. The broken the torn tattered peices of what was a simple girl. She came she saw she went. Fight or flight. I want to fly. With no fear. Fearless. I am not. I am shaken with fear. I refuse to be buried by a thought of what could be. I refuse to lose anymore so I'm jumping. I'm so one sided in my journey. I have this strong belief that there is a purpose. That there is a time when you see what is standing before close to touch but cannot reach. Right there....right there. But so hidden. To many times. To random for anyone to understand. So I sit. I wait for the silver lining. Rip through the clouds....I hate grey. Not the color, the meaning. If I had a choice I would choose the unknown. To fall with out knowing. The walls are a joke. I am that girl that's up and down, in and out, around but square. The girl everyone understand but just doesn't "get". I say one thing and mean something different. I put myself in to corners and kick my way out and reach for the closest open arms to cry in. I sing out loud, at the top of my lungs..I live through music and writing. I keep my mouth shut at the wrong times, only when I should speak up do I cower. In my head I a m strong, I am not a coward. I talk...a lot. I fill silence with meaningless conversation. But my words are worth it. My voice, my thoughts they are all for something.