Tears

Tears are ok. Its ok to cry. Unless your drowning. Unless you cant see through them. Chances are meant to be taken. Love is all about endurance. How long will it last, are you strong enough. The race is not a sprint, it is cross-country. You must be in perfect shape, ready for a marathon. Its when your not in your prime, when you push things aside and don't fix yourself and enter into a relationship that it goes wrong. Distrust, hesitation and doubt. Depending on what the past was, the conditioning may be greater. Time Time Time. With healing there is pain. Some you wish you never sought to find. Some needing to be opened, for closure. Seeking to find clarity, you find a clouded path. Never know when a dead end turns into a highway and you can swerve the road blocks. Ok enough metaphors. Say what I mean. I meant to say....Chances are meant to be taken. Sometimes you win...often you lose. I think that makes the win so much greater.
Thats it. Great. Just great.

Breathing from the belly

We breathe in...and out...in and out. Repeat. Until you don't. Close your eyes. Make it go away. Listen to the voices telling you its OK. True friends will won't tell you its all OK. They will be honest and only tell you that you are strong. Not to fight with yourself anymore, give in, let go. Just fucking let go. Shake it off, take a dive off the deep end into an ocean of forgiveness and truth. Let the water calm you and surround you with no fear. Fear is your friend. It keeps you safe until you feel safe on your own...does that make sense? Your biggest fear is the unknown. What will happen next, what is right for me, for him, for us. What is our next step. He offers no advice...he is 8. He looks at me with scared mysterious eyes. He wants comfort and security. Tight arms wrapped around his little heart. I am scared. What if, what if his biggest fears come true. His heart is so troubled with fear. So strong but weak within himself. As his hands are shaking he can say to me it not right, not good enough. His words are true, he knows, knows all is not OK. Honesty overcomes him and he melts into my arms. I want to be his best friend, his mother and protector. The one he runs to for all his thoughts, all his worries and pains. Lay it on me, I will be the one. The only one you can believe in everyday. Every waking moment of my life I will breathe into you Son. Which is his fear, when I am gone. His thoughts terrify me. With our careless future so unknown who knows us. Who is strong enough for us. Two hearts so big, so full of so much to give, but yet so much tucked away.

I lay down, I concentrate on breathing. Learning how to again everyday. Things that were taken from me have returned. I'm writing everyday, I'm smiling more then I ever have in my life. Music has found my soul again and it overcomes me. I only wish you had the feeling I do. How it feels to have a melody bring you to tears, to your knees. To listen to every word and close your eyes as the next chord pierces your ears. So soothing...so beautiful is the instrument. The player, the hands on the strings. I can feel, and move with it. Tears, and its OK. I can say that, I need it. It is OK, it feels great when I'm gone. When I'm gone, gone, gone. I want to feel full, overflowing with words I cant keep up. Where is it coming from? Clenched sometimes I want to scream them out. Like a freedom from my body I want to let it all out. Is it just for me...true question. Do I keep this for me, for him...for the world..who is this for....I should sleep. Fall into my dreams.Straight into my pillow of thoughts..were I see thoughts of life, future and glorious comfort.

And then....

Its hidden. In every corner..of my mind. The broken the torn tattered peices of what was a simple girl. She came she saw she went. Fight or flight. I want to fly. With no fear. Fearless. I am not. I am shaken with fear. I refuse to be buried by a thought of what could be. I refuse to lose anymore so I'm jumping. I'm so one sided in my journey. I have this strong belief that there is a purpose. That there is a time when you see what is standing before you..so close to touch but cannot reach. Right there....right there. But so hidden. To many times. To random for anyone to understand. So I sit. I wait for the silver lining. Rip through the clouds....I hate grey. Not the color, the meaning. If I had a choice I would choose the unknown. To fall with out knowing. The walls are a joke. I am that girl that's up and down, in and out, around but square. The girl everyone understand but just doesn't "get". I say one thing and mean something different. I put myself in to corners and kick my way out and reach for the closest open arms to cry in. I sing out loud, at the top of my lungs..I live through music and writing. I keep my mouth shut at the wrong times, only when I should speak up do I cower. In my head I a m strong, I am not a coward. I talk...a lot. I fill silence with meaningless conversation. But my words are worth it. My voice, my thoughts they are all for something.

Things I should not do.

Watch "The Notebook". Cry like a silly girl. Think that stories like this exist.

"They are shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light from the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. In a flash, they are gone." James Garner says this line in the movie speaking about Summer love. Pretty sure this can apply to all forms of "love". It starts with a glance, a smile, simple conversation turns to endless conversation. Can't get enough, the need to have, touch, feel, want..desire. Its on your mind, consumes you.
Would you stand in the rain with me
Lose track of time, forget where you are.
Believe in me when no one else does
Stand up for me fight for me
Take a chance on me
Push me to my limit, to pull me in.
Move me to tears with words or none at all.
Tell me when I'm wrong, let me be right.
Make me remember
I want to remember.
Show me...take me to that place.
Does this place exist? That's the question. Is it a make believe fairy tale...spun into our heads as little girls? Thanks. I don't think my words read like a fictional novel. I think they are relative. Not perfect, the way life is. Imperfections around every corner. Even those who say they don't believe in it do...all a cover up for a true meaning. For what is sometimes missing. See, never should have started this. Never know whats gonna happen with these little fingers. Its a freaking curse.

Blocked

I feel blocked.

At a wall or stop sign.
I feel frustrated, but happy.
I feel confused and uncomfortable.
Sleep peaceful but yet restless.
Something I can't shake.
Should be screaming
But I'm staying silent.
Afraid of a downfall
Or maybe the uprising.
Either way I sit.
Blocked

What does this mean? I really don't know. I stay confused in my own skin sometimes. Look to my own self for these answers and I find them, but ignore them all. I have so much worth, so much I have yet to see or do. So much to give, but never offer.
I want that mountain, the one I look to as accomplishment. Climb to the top and tell her "I told you so, I told you I could do it...are you proud if me now?" What can I do to make her proud? I could climb the mountain 10 times and she would say I went to fast, bought the wrong backpack, drink more water..or better yet.."Katie, you just took the wrong path". This is my path..I can go any fucking way I want. Quote me please.
Life is to short for judgment. I cannot seek to please others, its draining and I turn into someone else. Someone who lives to see someone else smile...while mine fades. I want someone who keeps my smile, and smiles back. I cannot be bored, I need challenge, I thrive from it. I have never been an easy girl to satisfy and my past shows it. Other then pretending or taking a challenge to far and living with the pain. It can only linger...a constant reminder that it is there. To tell me no, not let me get my way or push me to be a better me. I will do the same, it's who I am.
Once again this is all so random. I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm not writing what I'm feeling. Like a sugar coat. Afraid to say whats on my mind. After I got my tattoo yesterday I drove home, alone. In a little pain but not enough to bring the tears I had. I cried. Found myself stopped along the Clackamas River taking deep breaths. It had nothing to do with the artwork scrolled on my back, or regret. I had a dream the night before that my Grandmother was the one holding my hand, taking the pictures, telling me it was beautiful and I was strong. Her words echoed all day. A friend told me to think about all the others that suffer from sickness everyday, that this pain goes away. Telling him this is one of the reasons I'm getting it...she suffered. She wanted so bad to be with my Grandfather for so long. As much as I miss her I still have to say "she is happy now". Why do I have to say that? Why can't I be angry she is not here. I still feel like she didn't know how much she meant to me. All those days in her last year that we would talk, she would always ask me how I was. Knowing how she was, she didn't want to talk about it anymore. In her last months I remember one amazing conversation we had. She looked at me and told me she was ready, that she had loved 2 great men. Raised wonderful children, guided her Grandchildren and held Great Grandchildren in her arms. I told her I was not ready to loose her, and she told me that was unfair. That she was proud of me, the woman and mother I had become. She told me to be strong, and stand up for myself, that I had people in my life she could not stand anymore. Asked questions, like what are you waiting for..he will never change. Five months after her passing as I was packing my things I heard her say "You are better then this, and you deserve better". Its been over a year now and I still feel her. I kissed her lips, I watched her sleep so many nights. I cried that I could heal her, that she wouldn't just slip away....I miss her, I miss her everyday. My wish is that my child will fall so in love with any of his Grandparents that he will learn from them like I did. She was so strong, and everyone that knew her knew how strong she was. I want to be that strong, to look at life and smile, through heartache, loss, success, celebration and mourning...she would want me to smile...Hell she's probably pissed I'm crying now. Haha...see she made me laugh.
I wrote this the day after she passed and read it often.

Do not feel sad, but happy for me,
for I am free.
Free of pain, sorrow, and emptiness.
I am healthy and vibrant.
I am in love again and I am young.
I will forever now be the best of me,
and now the best of you.
Take what I have given,
share with the ones you love
my freedom
For in my space a simple stone remains.
It is not cold and empty
but warm and comforting.
As I sleep still and not afraid anymore.
Please smile for me, celebrate me.
8/6/08.

Now you see me...now you don't

I seem to have a new game of duck and cover going on. Its a fun little game I play....To avoid what you say? Let me just elaborate for you.
1. Douche bags....Guys that take longer to get ready then you do. That have to look in every mirror while strolling though the house and say "it's so hard looking this good". Guys that freak out cause some crack whore at Super Cuts didn't give you that amazing salon style you were looking for. News flash asshole you pay for what you get.
God the definition of douche bag is so long...cant stop here now can I???? HHHmmmmmm.I know I'm difficult, complicated at best....but really?
A douche bag has no self esteem. He drags others through the dirt to make himself look better. He calls people names...he blames everything on everyone else. Really? You choose to lead the life of a dick because its how your Dad treated you? Treated me like shit because you saw your Mom be treated that way? A douche bag says things like "oh you have it so hard don't you?" "I treat you way better then my Mom was....I don't hit you do I?" or the best of them all "The doors that way " . Believe me....its been almost 9 months from that hell...and I still hear the shit echoing....so girls...the first....very first time he says something to you that cuts to the bone(some examples maybe but not limited to..."stupid bitch...are you stupid....go fuck yourself...wheres my dinner....are you really gonna wear that....I would let you go out if I could trust you to not fuck someone...your nothing without me"...these are a few) Run for the fucking hills. Douche bags will always be douche bags...Epic failure, they will not change.
2. Can there really be a #2 after that? Of course...Fear. The thought of starting over....the journey to the unknown. I don't trust myself to see the red flags anymore. Or I see to many red flags. Every guy out there has fucked up issues just like girls do....not me of course. After a certain age we all become scared of making the same mistakes that caused a divorce in the past...that made "the one" get away..that landed me in 7yrs of purgatory. We all start to build walls...boundries....or like mine barricades. Not solid....but difficult to get through. I'm not interested in feeling like shit again from some ass that doesn't have there own shit together.....oh boo fucking whoo...."its not you its me" shit. That is fear in its entirety...
3.Dating. I have no interest, it also scares me...here's why.
Does my hair look OK? Do I look fat? Do you think this shirt shows my boobs to much (not me). Do I let him pay? What if he asks me to plan it? Did I talk to much....did I not talk enough? When will he call....will he text...should I call....should I text? I'm biting my nails....don't bite your nails....be yourself...take a deep breath.....and shut the hell up.....for Christ sake who give a flying fuck what this jackass thinks???? Exactly. Dating is an unnecessary escapade and everyone else in the dating world can suck it cause I quit.
I'm sure I'm amusing. Really I'm a awesome chick and T has paid me to say she is also awesome....theirs your shout out.
4. Protecting the love of my life. I've made the mistake of letting douche bags in his life and will not....will not let that happen again. He is the reason I wake, have stability, learn everyday, think before I act, help others, love unconditionally. I truly believe your children learn from you everyday...they watch, evaluate and act upon. We become the reason they succeed or fail. I will not let him fail on my watch...put me 6ft under before I let him make the same mistakes I did.
I think that's it for now....other then I'm a complete idiot sometimes and cant deal with the thought of being rejected. That might be #5....but I'm tired and cant go into it. I have to admit that #1-3 makes me laugh. #1 seems so far in the past and cant believe I still think about that piece of shit. Its very soothing for me to think I will never be chained again by that. I learned so much in such a short 7yrs. What seemed like the end of my life opened so many doors and began my life over...in a whole new perspective.#2 I laugh at because we all live in fear...one day I will jump...who knows it could be tomorrow...I don't want to be afraid to love again, and I laugh cause I know I will.#3 Is just hilarious because it is soooo me. Its what I do. No matter how many fucking miles I run...how many dudes and chicks tell me I look great, I will continue to be my worst critic. So that's my problem. Call me crazy....call me crazy bitch. Just don't call me stupid bitch....I'll junk punch ya....haha.
Sorry Mom.....sorry Dad....LOVE YOU!!!!! You made me....be proud cause I'm doing great!

Rain

Rain outside my window
clouds carpet the sky.
Drops on the glass slide away
disappear into a puddle
just the same as you.
The earth is recovering
from heat, from Summers wear.
like me needing to be nourished.

Eating after 7

Breaking the rules. Eating after 7. I'm hungry and I should eat.
Stupid comment.
Wish wish...wish for what? World peace? How about silence. How about a swim in the ocean. My toes in the sand. Cool, clean crisp waves washing away emotion. Listen to earth and her needs. What does she want or long for? Like so many women they live clueless. Waiting to be shown direction from someone. At some point we need to find our own direction. To be told it's OK to be alone. It's OK to be strong. As I have said before, to look at the mistake and choose the right path from it. No one owns you. No one makes you choose your path. You have the power to say yes or no. Fucking stand up for yourself.We have so much more in us then we give off. Sweet release of words and tears. "You hurt me, and I think you have an ugly soul. Your skin is discolored by fear, your tears are poison and have no truth. Move on from me."
We often choose the easy road even though the struggle is greater. Thinking we will end on smooth pavement. Until the rocky road never ends and we are left with dings and dents in the paint. Until the engine is warn and tired. Why not take the next exit...wave the finger and go trade yourself in. Head down....new paint job....new rims and a sunroof. Drive her down to the ocean and put your toes in the sand.
Leave your fears behind. Who the fuck cares anyways? Live with a closed heart and open arms. Keeping an arms width away so there is no pain. Put walls up and watch them try to climb. They have been down before...I have had the "jump in" experience already and it's not worth it.Being guarded and careful is safe....but lame. No fun....no game....no loss? No fucking rhyme or reason to what the hell I'm writing.
Deep breath....stop. Listen....silence....Weres my ocean. I'm sure its out there...just down that long stretch of highway. Waiting to come crashing down on me. Sooth my soul...I know her. She is me and I love her.

Something to say

How is it a person like me can be lost for words? I always have something to say. Be it the right or wrong time I can never seem to not speak up. I struggle with the thoughts that my words sometimes are meaningless and forgettable. I suppose somewhere along the line in my life I just wanted to be heard. So I'm choosing an alliterative and doesn't give 2 shits who reads it or listens...

I wonder were my words went...were exactly did I go? I have friends and family that have said "it's glad to have you back". Why did I disappear? Who makes a sound decision to give up on there friends and family for a piece of shit that wouldn't give up anything for you. To hold his Fathers hand as he leaves this world, to cry so much over what? Lessons learned. I look back now to a stranger. Everyday more and more I feel closer to myself and the girl I used to be is turning strong. Into the girl everyone remembers. Then we have trouble.
I had someone ask me the other day if there was anything in my life I regret. I didn't have to think twice about my response. Yes....we all have regrets. I did tell her that it I don't look at them that way anymore...lessons learned. Every regret, you learn. So she asked if I would change anything about my regrets....again...no. I wouldn't be who I am today...and I kinda like her.For every love I have had in my life I have learned. Not just with men in my life but the people I truly have loved and lost.
Random thoughts I know....but see in my head it all makes sense...perfect sense. For you maybe not so much. Not really my probem...but thanks for making it to the end.

Rules

My heart is not into this blog. Guess there are rules and I'm not one to follow rules....everyone reading this should know that. F rules those are for kids...or pussies.
Peace out....till tomorrow.....or so I'm told...

Um.....Whats a blog?

So I have friends....yes hard to believe its true. One says to me "have you read T's blog, it's so funny".....My response is whats a blog? Amazing enough I have figured it out....and away we go!

I have for so long written on a note pad...so today when I brought home 2 more note pads T asks...."thought you were starting a blog".....duh. She doesn't want me wasting any trees, just like my daily planner. Like the complicated but useful calender on my Blackberry just isn't good enough ya know....Knowing myself well enough I will still use both.
I'm going to use this "blog" for fun and entertainment. My friends and family should love it. I have this dry but not so tactful sense of humor that could come across in this. I tend to amuse people with misspelling and off the wall comments...again don't be surprised if you read this and sit back saying..."huh??? What the hell is she talking about?" Do me a favor and just read on. Don't ask questions cause I don't have the fucking answers. If I did I wouldn't be writing on a "Blog".
Have a wonderful evening everyone and I will "Blog" more soon...now that I know what the hell it is!