Thursday, September 24, 2009

Now you see you don't

I seem to have a new game of duck and cover going on. Its a fun little game I play....To avoid what you say? Let me just elaborate for you.
1. Douche bags....Guys that take longer to get ready then you do. That have to look in every mirror while strolling though the house and say "it's so hard looking this good". Guys that freak out cause some crack whore at Super Cuts didn't give you that amazing salon style you were looking for. News flash asshole you pay for what you get.
God the definition of douche bag is so long...cant stop here now can I???? HHHmmmmmm.I know I'm difficult, complicated at best....but really?
A douche bag has no self esteem. He drags others through the dirt to make himself look better. He calls people names...he blames everything on everyone else. Really? You choose to lead the life of a dick because its how your Dad treated you? Treated me like shit because you saw your Mom be treated that way? A douche bag says things like "oh you have it so hard don't you?" "I treat you way better then my Mom was....I don't hit you do I?" or the best of them all "The doors that way " . Believe me....its been almost 9 months from that hell...and I still hear the shit girls...the first....very first time he says something to you that cuts to the bone(some examples maybe but not limited to..."stupid bitch...are you stupid....go fuck yourself...wheres my dinner....are you really gonna wear that....I would let you go out if I could trust you to not fuck someone...your nothing without me"...these are a few) Run for the fucking hills. Douche bags will always be douche bags...Epic failure, they will not change.
2. Can there really be a #2 after that? Of course...Fear. The thought of starting over....the journey to the unknown. I don't trust myself to see the red flags anymore. Or I see to many red flags. Every guy out there has fucked up issues just like girls do....not me of course. After a certain age we all become scared of making the same mistakes that caused a divorce in the past...that made "the one" get away..that landed me in 7yrs of purgatory. We all start to build walls...boundries....or like mine barricades. Not solid....but difficult to get through. I'm not interested in feeling like shit again from some ass that doesn't have there own shit together.....oh boo fucking whoo...."its not you its me" shit. That is fear in its entirety...
3.Dating. I have no interest, it also scares's why.
Does my hair look OK? Do I look fat? Do you think this shirt shows my boobs to much (not me). Do I let him pay? What if he asks me to plan it? Did I talk to much....did I not talk enough? When will he call....will he text...should I call....should I text? I'm biting my nails....don't bite your yourself...take a deep breath.....and shut the hell up.....for Christ sake who give a flying fuck what this jackass thinks???? Exactly. Dating is an unnecessary escapade and everyone else in the dating world can suck it cause I quit.
I'm sure I'm amusing. Really I'm a awesome chick and T has paid me to say she is also awesome....theirs your shout out.
4. Protecting the love of my life. I've made the mistake of letting douche bags in his life and will not....will not let that happen again. He is the reason I wake, have stability, learn everyday, think before I act, help others, love unconditionally. I truly believe your children learn from you everyday...they watch, evaluate and act upon. We become the reason they succeed or fail. I will not let him fail on my watch...put me 6ft under before I let him make the same mistakes I did.
I think that's it for now....other then I'm a complete idiot sometimes and cant deal with the thought of being rejected. That might be #5....but I'm tired and cant go into it. I have to admit that #1-3 makes me laugh. #1 seems so far in the past and cant believe I still think about that piece of shit. Its very soothing for me to think I will never be chained again by that. I learned so much in such a short 7yrs. What seemed like the end of my life opened so many doors and began my life a whole new perspective.#2 I laugh at because we all live in day I will jump...who knows it could be tomorrow...I don't want to be afraid to love again, and I laugh cause I know I will.#3 Is just hilarious because it is soooo me. Its what I do. No matter how many fucking miles I many dudes and chicks tell me I look great, I will continue to be my worst critic. So that's my problem. Call me me crazy bitch. Just don't call me stupid bitch....I'll junk punch ya....haha.
Sorry Mom.....sorry Dad....LOVE YOU!!!!! You made proud cause I'm doing great!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Rain outside my window
clouds carpet the sky.
Drops on the glass slide away
disappear into a puddle
just the same as you.
The earth is recovering
from heat, from Summers wear.
like me needing to be nourished.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Eating after 7

Breaking the rules. Eating after 7. I'm hungry and I should eat.
Stupid comment.
Wish wish...wish for what? World peace? How about silence. How about a swim in the ocean. My toes in the sand. Cool, clean crisp waves washing away emotion. Listen to earth and her needs. What does she want or long for? Like so many women they live clueless. Waiting to be shown direction from someone. At some point we need to find our own direction. To be told it's OK to be alone. It's OK to be strong. As I have said before, to look at the mistake and choose the right path from it. No one owns you. No one makes you choose your path. You have the power to say yes or no. Fucking stand up for yourself.We have so much more in us then we give off. Sweet release of words and tears. "You hurt me, and I think you have an ugly soul. Your skin is discolored by fear, your tears are poison and have no truth. Move on from me."
We often choose the easy road even though the struggle is greater. Thinking we will end on smooth pavement. Until the rocky road never ends and we are left with dings and dents in the paint. Until the engine is warn and tired. Why not take the next exit...wave the finger and go trade yourself in. Head paint rims and a sunroof. Drive her down to the ocean and put your toes in the sand.
Leave your fears behind. Who the fuck cares anyways? Live with a closed heart and open arms. Keeping an arms width away so there is no pain. Put walls up and watch them try to climb. They have been down before...I have had the "jump in" experience already and it's not worth it.Being guarded and careful is safe....but lame. No loss? No fucking rhyme or reason to what the hell I'm writing.
Deep breath....stop. Listen....silence....Weres my ocean. I'm sure its out there...just down that long stretch of highway. Waiting to come crashing down on me. Sooth my soul...I know her. She is me and I love her.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Something to say

How is it a person like me can be lost for words? I always have something to say. Be it the right or wrong time I can never seem to not speak up. I struggle with the thoughts that my words sometimes are meaningless and forgettable. I suppose somewhere along the line in my life I just wanted to be heard. So I'm choosing an alliterative and doesn't give 2 shits who reads it or listens...

I wonder were my words went...were exactly did I go? I have friends and family that have said "it's glad to have you back". Why did I disappear? Who makes a sound decision to give up on there friends and family for a piece of shit that wouldn't give up anything for you. To hold his Fathers hand as he leaves this world, to cry so much over what? Lessons learned. I look back now to a stranger. Everyday more and more I feel closer to myself and the girl I used to be is turning strong. Into the girl everyone remembers. Then we have trouble.
I had someone ask me the other day if there was anything in my life I regret. I didn't have to think twice about my response. Yes....we all have regrets. I did tell her that it I don't look at them that way anymore...lessons learned. Every regret, you learn. So she asked if I would change anything about my I wouldn't be who I am today...and I kinda like her.For every love I have had in my life I have learned. Not just with men in my life but the people I truly have loved and lost.
Random thoughts I know....but see in my head it all makes sense...perfect sense. For you maybe not so much. Not really my probem...but thanks for making it to the end.

Friday, September 4, 2009


My heart is not into this blog. Guess there are rules and I'm not one to follow rules....everyone reading this should know that. F rules those are for kids...or pussies.
Peace out....till tomorrow.....or so I'm told...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Um.....Whats a blog?

So I have friends....yes hard to believe its true. One says to me "have you read T's blog, it's so funny".....My response is whats a blog? Amazing enough I have figured it out....and away we go!

I have for so long written on a note today when I brought home 2 more note pads T asks...."thought you were starting a blog".....duh. She doesn't want me wasting any trees, just like my daily planner. Like the complicated but useful calender on my Blackberry just isn't good enough ya know....Knowing myself well enough I will still use both.
I'm going to use this "blog" for fun and entertainment. My friends and family should love it. I have this dry but not so tactful sense of humor that could come across in this. I tend to amuse people with misspelling and off the wall comments...again don't be surprised if you read this and sit back saying..."huh??? What the hell is she talking about?" Do me a favor and just read on. Don't ask questions cause I don't have the fucking answers. If I did I wouldn't be writing on a "Blog".
Have a wonderful evening everyone and I will "Blog" more that I know what the hell it is!