I feel frustrated, but happy.
I feel confused and uncomfortable.
Sleep peaceful but yet restless.
Something I can't shake.
Should be screaming
But I'm staying silent.
Afraid of a downfall
Or maybe the uprising.
Either way I sit.
What does this mean? I really don't know. I stay confused in my own skin sometimes. Look to my own self for these answers and I find them, but ignore them all. I have so much worth, so much I have yet to see or do. So much to give, but never offer.
I want that mountain, the one I look to as accomplishment. Climb to the top and tell her "I told you so, I told you I could do it...are you proud if me now?" What can I do to make her proud? I could climb the mountain 10 times and she would say I went to fast, bought the wrong backpack, drink more water..or better yet.."Katie, you just took the wrong path". This is my path..I can go any fucking way I want. Quote me please.
Life is to short for judgment. I cannot seek to please others, its draining and I turn into someone else. Someone who lives to see someone else smile...while mine fades. I want someone who keeps my smile, and smiles back. I cannot be bored, I need challenge, I thrive from it. I have never been an easy girl to satisfy and my past shows it. Other then pretending or taking a challenge to far and living with the pain. It can only linger...a constant reminder that it is there. To tell me no, not let me get my way or push me to be a better me. I will do the same, it's who I am.
Once again this is all so random. I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm not writing what I'm feeling. Like a sugar coat. Afraid to say whats on my mind. After I got my tattoo yesterday I drove home, alone. In a little pain but not enough to bring the tears I had. I cried. Found myself stopped along the Clackamas River taking deep breaths. It had nothing to do with the artwork scrolled on my back, or regret. I had a dream the night before that my Grandmother was the one holding my hand, taking the pictures, telling me it was beautiful and I was strong. Her words echoed all day. A friend told me to think about all the others that suffer from sickness everyday, that this pain goes away. Telling him this is one of the reasons I'm getting it...she suffered. She wanted so bad to be with my Grandfather for so long. As much as I miss her I still have to say "she is happy now". Why do I have to say that? Why can't I be angry she is not here. I still feel like she didn't know how much she meant to me. All those days in her last year that we would talk, she would always ask me how I was. Knowing how she was, she didn't want to talk about it anymore. In her last months I remember one amazing conversation we had. She looked at me and told me she was ready, that she had loved 2 great men. Raised wonderful children, guided her Grandchildren and held Great Grandchildren in her arms. I told her I was not ready to loose her, and she told me that was unfair. That she was proud of me, the woman and mother I had become. She told me to be strong, and stand up for myself, that I had people in my life she could not stand anymore. Asked questions, like what are you waiting for..he will never change. Five months after her passing as I was packing my things I heard her say "You are better then this, and you deserve better". Its been over a year now and I still feel her. I kissed her lips, I watched her sleep so many nights. I cried that I could heal her, that she wouldn't just slip away....I miss her, I miss her everyday. My wish is that my child will fall so in love with any of his Grandparents that he will learn from them like I did. She was so strong, and everyone that knew her knew how strong she was. I want to be that strong, to look at life and smile, through heartache, loss, success, celebration and mourning...she would want me to smile...Hell she's probably pissed I'm crying now. Haha...see she made me laugh.
I wrote this the day after she passed and read it often.
for I am free.
Free of pain, sorrow, and emptiness.
I am healthy and vibrant.
I am in love again and I am young.
I will forever now be the best of me,
and now the best of you.
Take what I have given,
share with the ones you love
For in my space a simple stone remains.
It is not cold and empty
but warm and comforting.
As I sleep still and not afraid anymore.
Please smile for me, celebrate me.