Now you see me...now you don't

I seem to have a new game of duck and cover going on. Its a fun little game I play....To avoid what you say? Let me just elaborate for you.
1. Douche bags....Guys that take longer to get ready then you do. That have to look in every mirror while strolling though the house and say "it's so hard looking this good". Guys that freak out cause some crack whore at Super Cuts didn't give you that amazing salon style you were looking for. News flash asshole you pay for what you get.
God the definition of douche bag is so long...cant stop here now can I???? HHHmmmmmm.I know I'm difficult, complicated at best....but really?
A douche bag has no self esteem. He drags others through the dirt to make himself look better. He calls people names...he blames everything on everyone else. Really? You choose to lead the life of a dick because its how your Dad treated you? Treated me like shit because you saw your Mom be treated that way? A douche bag says things like "oh you have it so hard don't you?" "I treat you way better then my Mom was....I don't hit you do I?" or the best of them all "The doors that way " . Believe me....its been almost 9 months from that hell...and I still hear the shit echoing....so girls...the first....very first time he says something to you that cuts to the bone(some examples maybe but not limited to..."stupid bitch...are you stupid....go fuck yourself...wheres my dinner....are you really gonna wear that....I would let you go out if I could trust you to not fuck someone...your nothing without me"...these are a few) Run for the fucking hills. Douche bags will always be douche bags...Epic failure, they will not change.
2. Can there really be a #2 after that? Of course...Fear. The thought of starting over....the journey to the unknown. I don't trust myself to see the red flags anymore. Or I see to many red flags. Every guy out there has fucked up issues just like girls do....not me of course. After a certain age we all become scared of making the same mistakes that caused a divorce in the past...that made "the one" get away..that landed me in 7yrs of purgatory. We all start to build walls...boundries....or like mine barricades. Not solid....but difficult to get through. I'm not interested in feeling like shit again from some ass that doesn't have there own shit together.....oh boo fucking whoo...."its not you its me" shit. That is fear in its entirety...
3.Dating. I have no interest, it also scares me...here's why.
Does my hair look OK? Do I look fat? Do you think this shirt shows my boobs to much (not me). Do I let him pay? What if he asks me to plan it? Did I talk to much....did I not talk enough? When will he call....will he text...should I call....should I text? I'm biting my nails....don't bite your nails....be yourself...take a deep breath.....and shut the hell up.....for Christ sake who give a flying fuck what this jackass thinks???? Exactly. Dating is an unnecessary escapade and everyone else in the dating world can suck it cause I quit.
I'm sure I'm amusing. Really I'm a awesome chick and T has paid me to say she is also awesome....theirs your shout out.
4. Protecting the love of my life. I've made the mistake of letting douche bags in his life and will not....will not let that happen again. He is the reason I wake, have stability, learn everyday, think before I act, help others, love unconditionally. I truly believe your children learn from you everyday...they watch, evaluate and act upon. We become the reason they succeed or fail. I will not let him fail on my watch...put me 6ft under before I let him make the same mistakes I did.
I think that's it for now....other then I'm a complete idiot sometimes and cant deal with the thought of being rejected. That might be #5....but I'm tired and cant go into it. I have to admit that #1-3 makes me laugh. #1 seems so far in the past and cant believe I still think about that piece of shit. Its very soothing for me to think I will never be chained again by that. I learned so much in such a short 7yrs. What seemed like the end of my life opened so many doors and began my life over...in a whole new perspective.#2 I laugh at because we all live in fear...one day I will jump...who knows it could be tomorrow...I don't want to be afraid to love again, and I laugh cause I know I will.#3 Is just hilarious because it is soooo me. Its what I do. No matter how many fucking miles I run...how many dudes and chicks tell me I look great, I will continue to be my worst critic. So that's my problem. Call me crazy....call me crazy bitch. Just don't call me stupid bitch....I'll junk punch ya....haha.
Sorry Mom.....sorry Dad....LOVE YOU!!!!! You made me....be proud cause I'm doing great!